mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
