Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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