It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
