you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
