Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
