Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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