can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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