Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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