Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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