So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
