Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
everyone is single if you try hard enough
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
