I just saw a hot homeless man
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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