I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Someone signed my nipple.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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