it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
It was a blind-side dick pic.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
