got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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