1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
