You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
