Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
