I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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