I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
My friends, they love my intelligence
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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