SEEEEXXX PLEASE
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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