I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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