Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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