he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
