So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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