Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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