Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
