Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
