don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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