Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
