You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
