"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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