Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Randomize
