if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
