dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
