The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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