Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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