I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
