after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
