She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
