At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
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