You're my little dorito
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
