So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
