I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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