Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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