cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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