When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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