So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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