She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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