You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
