My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
