this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
