HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
In other news, I just burned my penis
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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